Brunch is often a gamble. Wait times can be heinous, but so too can it be bizarre to find yourself the only occupied table in a sprawling New Mod-merican restaurant blasting techno loud enough to induce a hangover in even the most sober of diners. And there’s always the potential for an overcooked poached-egg nightmare, and who knows what kind of champagne they’re pouring in those $1 unlimited mimosas?
But nothing quashes the sweet promise of a great weekend meal like a crappy Bloody Mary. Mayhap the mix comes out of a bottle delivered by Sysco, or "spicy" turns into "swift gastric distress." 'Marys are complicated cocktails, and too often bars and restaurants attempt to obfuscate a lazy composition with ostentatious garnishes.
In the service of reducing such brunch-related crime, I’ve taken it upon myself to drink a Bloody Mary at every opportunity, which means I consumed five dozen or so Bloodies in 2015—sometimes bravely taking on more than one a week. Here, I give you, dear Eater readers, the fruits (or vegetables? It’s complicated with tomatoes!) of my labor, hoping to help you help yourselves get more satisfyingly tipsy before the noon hour.