clock menu more-arrow no yes
Cuvée Coffee
Cuvée Coffee
Jeff Amador/EATX

With recent big coffee news that Peet’s Coffee & Tea purchased both Stumptown Coffee Roasters and Intelligentsia Coffee this month, Austin-based Cuvée Coffee wanted to get in on the action. The playful coffee roaster put out a fake press release announcing its latest acquisition: the letter E. Read the full parody release below.

IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Cuvée Coffee to Acquire the Letter "E" and Therefore…"Everything"
Austin, Texas – October 30, 2015 - This morning, Cuvée Coffee, the Austin, TX.-based coffee roaster and retailer, announced its acquisition of the letter "E" in agreement with Sesame Street, New York-based children’s television program. The innovator of children’s educational broadcasting will continue its normal usage of the famed vowel, under a new royalty agreement with Cuvée.

Cuvée CEO, Mike McKim says motivation for the purchase was simple, "I don’t fully understand the transitive property, but it seemed that with ownership of E came ownership of anything using E. Can someone explain it again?"

Cuvée will now have 20% ownership of ‘everything’.

Big Bird, who brokered the deal, was unavailable for comment. Sesame Street’s CFO, The Count, issued the following statement, "This deal was brought to you by the dollar number, 150 million. AH AH AH!"

Under this new agreement, Cuvée will possess ownership of all subsequent words using the letter E, including owning 40% of "Peets" and 33% of "Coffee". The deal is being proclaimed as one the best business ventures of all time. Cuvée has already recouped its investment in the letter, as it now owns 1/5th of all "Money."

After the coffee shop's crowler machine was seized by the TABC last month, Cuvée put up a mash-up video of what it thought had happened, with footage from the Steven Martin film The Jerk.

EXCLUSIVE: Released video from the seizure of our crowlers earlier today.

Posted by Cuvee Coffee on Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Cuvée Coffee

2000 E 6th St, Austin, TX 78702 Visit Website

Sign up for the newsletter Sign up for the Eater Austin newsletter

The freshest news from the local food world